Swirl & Sip Podcast

Beauty After Broken

October 28, 2020 Sasha & Shara Season 2 Episode 209
Swirl & Sip Podcast
Beauty After Broken
Chapters
Swirl & Sip Podcast
Beauty After Broken
Oct 28, 2020 Season 2 Episode 209
Sasha & Shara

Unfortunately, many parents among us have endured childhood trauma. Though many have been able to move on with their lives, becoming parents themselves can be triggering. Parenting is hard, but parenting as a survivor of childhood trauma can be extremely difficult and terrifying. ⁠

We were super excited to chat with Lonnetta "Lonnie" Grant of Lonnie Enterprises and Dynasty Institute! Lonnie is a childhood trauma survivor and the author of "Beauty After Broken". ⁠ ⁠ Beauty After Broken was birthed from Lonnetta's personal testimony of survival and determination to rise to the top after experiencing severe trauma as a child. Beauty After Broken's mission is to inspire women to breathe life into their dreams, unlock their gifts, and embrace self-love. ⁠

Episode Resources:
Lonnie Enterprises
Dynasty Institute
Beauty After Broken
______________________________________________________ 

Like what you heard? Subscribe to get notified of the newest episodes! Don't forget to rate and review, too!

#SharingisCaring share our podcast with a friend, or three!

Find out what we're sipping on: The Wine List
Check out the show notes: www.swirlandsippodcast.com
Join us over on Instagram: @swirlandsippodcast
Suggest a topic or email us at [email protected]

Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/swirlandsippodcast)

Show Notes Transcript

Unfortunately, many parents among us have endured childhood trauma. Though many have been able to move on with their lives, becoming parents themselves can be triggering. Parenting is hard, but parenting as a survivor of childhood trauma can be extremely difficult and terrifying. ⁠

We were super excited to chat with Lonnetta "Lonnie" Grant of Lonnie Enterprises and Dynasty Institute! Lonnie is a childhood trauma survivor and the author of "Beauty After Broken". ⁠ ⁠ Beauty After Broken was birthed from Lonnetta's personal testimony of survival and determination to rise to the top after experiencing severe trauma as a child. Beauty After Broken's mission is to inspire women to breathe life into their dreams, unlock their gifts, and embrace self-love. ⁠

Episode Resources:
Lonnie Enterprises
Dynasty Institute
Beauty After Broken
______________________________________________________ 

Like what you heard? Subscribe to get notified of the newest episodes! Don't forget to rate and review, too!

#SharingisCaring share our podcast with a friend, or three!

Find out what we're sipping on: The Wine List
Check out the show notes: www.swirlandsippodcast.com
Join us over on Instagram: @swirlandsippodcast
Suggest a topic or email us at [email protected]

Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/swirlandsippodcast)

Sasha:

Welcome to the Swirl and Sip podcast where we keep it real talking about womanhood, parenthood and marriage. I'm your host Sasha.

Shara:

And I'm Shara and if this is your first time tuning into us, this is what you need to know about us. We're wives. We're boy moms, and we love wine, though we're not experts. This is life uncensored.

Sasha:

So get your wine glasses and your favorite bottle and get ready for today's episode. So welcome to another episode of the Swirl and Sip podcast. We are really excited today we do have a guest. Her name is Miss Lonnie.

Shara:

Yassss.

Sasha:

So we are very excited about what we're going to talk about. But before we get into any of that, you always know that we have to start each episode with what we are sipping on. And today we are sipping on... Shara say that...

Shara:

That's says, remhooth? Remhooth.

Sasha:

Okay, yeah.

Shara:

We're sipping on a Merlot! Stop!

Sasha:

It's Aspects Merlot. Neither Shara nor I can't say what winery it's from. Its R E M H O O G T E. It's them last three letters

Shara:

Rem Huge tea.

Sasha:

Yep, sure. Yep. So that is what we are sipping on today. And it is according to the tasting notes on the website. It is dark and brooding. It has ripe currents, again with the currents.

Shara:

There we go.

Sasha:

cherries and plums and it's backed with white pepper and cedar. It's supposed to be full and juicy. It has polished tannins, a lively acidity. Shara?

Shara:

Yeah, sure. Let's go with that. No, it's it's got a bite to it. This thing got a bite. Okay, it bites back.

Sasha:

I haven't tasted it yet.

Shara:

Go ahead and taste it. It bites back. You like Merlot.

Sasha:

Yeah, but this doesn't taste like a Merlot

Shara:

That's why I stopped and was like, ummm

Unknown:

but on the plus side, it is 14.5%. And so that's always Sasha and Shara approved

Shara:

definitely above 13.5. We're good.

Sasha:

So today, we are talking with Miss Lonnie Grant. And Lonnie says that she is a transformational coach and her message is to inspire women around the world to take action and to recapture their power after being broken, which I think is amazing. She actually has this thing called beauty after broken that came from her own personal testimony of survival and determination to rise to the top after severe trauma as a child. So Lonnie, thank you so much for being on. We are excited to have you.

Lonnie Grant:

Thank you. I'm excited to be on!

Sasha:

You are you're in DC, right?

Lonnie Grant:

Yes, yes. In the heart of Washington, DC.

Sasha:

Yes, chocolate city. We love it.

Shara:

Look, that's that's my hometown. I had to move to the outskirts. But I'm only in Hyattsville. I'm not that far out.

Lonnie Grant:

You in the city.

Shara:

Exactly.

Sasha:

I on the other hand live in Bowie. And we're moving to Edgewater.

Shara:

By the time this comes out she's probably gonna be in the west bubble creek, by a creek.

Sasha:

So I guess tell us a little bit more about what this beauty after broken like, how did that come up? How did you think of that? And like, what does that mean to you?

Lonnie Grant:

So, the beauty of the broken brain basically came from me not even understanding that I needed healing from my trauma. I think so often, as we an adult will move into lives... our life and we see people who kind of showing up differently or showing up broken, we automatically assume that they know. They may not be aware that they're showing up in this manner. Maybe because we didn't go through that. Or maybe we're at our healing point. But it took for me to say hey, you know, I'm showing up here because you know, I always tell people, once you realize that so many people are saying the same thing about you some point you got to say it's you.

Shara:

yes, exactly.

Sasha:

It might be you.

Lonnie Grant:

So that's when I realized and I said a hold on, Lonnie, you're showing up in these different spaces like this. Pause. What is going on? And this is literally I went to bed and I came like I had a dream beauty after the broken. I was like, it's time for you to find your beauty because your life has been centered around trauma. And maybe, this is how you showing up but you're trying to play victim everywhere because it gets you attention. It feels great. Oh, you know, oh me I grew up in a project. Oh, yeah, my mom was a ..., that gets you attention. But it doesn't necessarily get you to the next level.

Sasha:

That is that's so powerful.

Shara:

I'm over here like yeah. So, you don't know, I'm a social worker. But I love this. That's exactly it. Like I'm a trauma informed social worker. That's what I do. So you speak you over, you're speaking to me, I'm mmmmm about to have church. I'm over here. Like, let me just sip my wine. And you go ahead.

Sasha:

do you think that and I'll let you get into as much as you want to about like how your childhood was. But do you think that that has had an impact on how you raise your own kids? Or even I know that you're a dance teacher. And so do you think that the way that you build up your girls in dance, is a lot of that informed by how you were raised as a child?

Lonnie Grant:

Yes, I had an uncle who was like, very, very strict, very structured, it was a little extreme in certain points. So when you think about your childhood is some goodness in it. But can we have some of those other times where it's like shouldn't have done that kind of thing? So it's hard as you travel into your adult life, how to distinguish what was good, because we all look at the generation now say, Oh, yeah, when I was, their age we didn't do.... But in what sense? Like, Was it good? was really good for us?

Sasha:

Yeah.

Shara:

Or was it good just because we said it has to be good, because as a child, we want it to be good.

Sasha:

Well, and that's one of the questions that she wanted to ask anyway, was the idea about... we talked about this on one of our season one episodes, breaking generational curses, right, and the things that we come up with as kids that we may knowingly or unknowingly pass on to our children, or it affects the way that we parent our children. And so like you're saying, you know, you had to re-learn that just because this was the way I came up, or these were the things that happen to me, doesn't necessarily mean, I have to parent this way.

Lonnie Grant:

Yeah. But it takes... I think, the mind takes a minute to grasp that you have to do something different. Because the body, the flow, just goes into without you even knowing that you're repeating. So like for me who came from a background of mental emotional, sexual abuse, you don't realize as a parent, that now you have your own. You're looking in the eye lens of a trauma person, trauma case. So now your kids want to go places and do something and you're like nope, nope, nope, can't do this. Okay, so now, their life will now be centered around your trauma in their story. This is your story. But because you know, somebody didn't protect you. Maybe you grew up with neglect, abandonment. Our antennas just go up automatically and go into this safety. No, I got to safeguard them. But actually, honestly, you do more harm.

Sasha:

Yeah.

Lonnie Grant:

Because the kid don't even know. Your child don't even know. Like, why are you doing this?

Sasha:

Yeah.

Lonnie Grant:

Especially if you've never had that conversation with your child about what happened to you. Because so many people want to keep it a secret. Like, I don't want my kid to know I went through that. But reality is maybe if they were a little bit aware of your story.

Shara:

Mh hmm.

Lonnie Grant:

They can kind of understand, but it still doesn't make it right. Because now you're making it, you're, now you're traumatizing them without you even knowing it.

Sasha:

Did you...So how many how many kids do you have?

Lonnie Grant:

I have two a boy and a girl.

Sasha:

Did you have those conversations with your kids about how... what you went through as a child?

Lonnie Grant:

Maybe five years ago when I wrote my book, but that was now when they were in middle school.

Shara:

Okay.

Lonnie Grant:

I didn't even realize I needed healing.

Sasha:

Yeah, that makes so much ense. I grew up very privileg d, I would say. I've had a very heltered childhood but I can see a lot of what you're saying ecause my parents grew up in a very...my parents grew up poor. hey grew up in New York. The

Shara:

They don't get it. Yeah, they don't get it. Because they grew up with the mentalit , especially my mom, where t was like you don't ask about ertain things. Children stay q iet. You know, it she would always tell me if you ask about sex, the responses you get a bac hand and you know, you get tol to shut up and go sit down. A d I can see how she tried t change some of that with me by trying to be more open an like not having that experie ce that she had. Do you... do yo think that it's impor ant, though, like you said, to have those conve sations while you're going throu h your own healing and reali ing what's happening with you, ut to have those conve sations with your kid, becau e maybe it gives them... don't understand that the reason that you're doing that is to protect them. But in trying to protect them, you've actually like limiting them, like we try to shelter. We want to shelter our children. So like you, you you touched on things that I remember, like, all of my friends of mine growing up, it's like, No, you can't go over such and such house. I don't care if there's a parent over there. I don't care. Is there a male there? No...

Sasha:

You can't be left alone with guy.

Shara:

You can't be left alone with a guy. No, I don't care if I've met their parents, like they can come over my house, and things like that, because you want to protect them. You don't want anything to happen to your children. We all, none of us do.

Sasha:

Yeah. So how do you think once you realize like you needed this healing... Well, first f all, did you like, seek like rofessional help for that? Or w at? Oh, I'm so happy you said th t

Lonnie Grant:

Oh, honey...I believe in God. I'm very in tune to, you know, his will, his purpose for my life. But I understand you got to do the work. You know, faith without works is dead. He don't have these people on earth for no reason.

Sasha:

Yes!

Lonnie Grant:

And what I was say about therapy, because I've went to therapy, to different counselors growing up. What I will say, life coaching works for me.

Shara:

Okay..

Lonnie Grant:

because with therapy, everybody experience is different. I know, for me, it was becoming like, just something to say I went to. And you know, with therapy, what happens is, and as your social worker, you probably can, you know, just think about this for a moment, when a kid come in your office, they got one hour.

Shara:

Yep.

Lonnie Grant:

And therapy sessions, one hour. Now, when you break when you first get into the sessions, and you finally get them to open up an hour is over. So when they leave the office, what tools do they have? Because it's triggering. So if you notice, like somebody who go out and repeat stuff over and over and become a repeat offender, we ask yourself, Well, what happened? They just was at so and so. But we didn't take the time to realize what was brought up in that session. And how did they leave?

Sasha:

Yea

Shara:

You...exactly. That's exactly it. So as a therapist, that's what I am.

Sasha:

You're having so much fun this episode. You are just in your zone.

Shara:

Yes I am! I am just over here, like, look. But no, that's exactly... you brought it up. It's exactly that. We try our best not to break people or open up these wounds. But that's what it is you open up wounds, and you don't, you can't ,you can't bandaid that thing up.

Sasha:

Well, I'm just gonna say that I'm happy that you even, whether it's life coach or therapy, that you went the professional help route, because I think so many...there's such a stigma. And like black and brown communities about, and I like that she said, you know, the first thing that she said, when I asked the question was it you know, you believe in God, and I think that's immediately, especially older generations, oh, you just pray about it, and God's gonna take care of it. But like you said, it's important, like there's people here that are meant to help you work through that. And that's the gift that they were given, is to help you work through those things. And like we we try to break the stigma about things like therapy all the time on this show. And so I'm so happy that like you even brought that up. How do you think like your experience with the life coach was though, do you like how did, how was that different?

Lonnie Grant:

I think the difference what I've seen, and actually two of my friends had went and it was this glow about them. And I knew that they kind of went through the same situations that I went through mom not being there, leaving through drugs, and growing up in a projects. They had the same background. And I'm like, What is this glow? Like it's a whole inner peace. She sent me , she gave me that the lady's information. And at that time, I was a little naive. I said do she take Medicaid.

Sasha:

There's nothing wrong with the question!

Lonnie Grant:

I'm like I gotta ask. I don't think so. So I remember the young lady reached out to me. We did a consultation. She did a free consultation. An hour long.

Sasha:

Wow.

Lonnie Grant:

I had done all of his therapy work in the past and I never had anybody to connect the way I was moving to a specific event that took place in my life. And I kept saying, Wow, she reminded me of Iyana. So that's actually what triggered me into...on my journey to say I need a life coach, I need that. Because what I am doing this hour here, this hour is bringing up but I'm leaving just just in rage. So, I remember the young lady telling me this is my program. It's such a commitment. Like, it really, really is like the tone of the way, you know, we will do our sessions. She introduced me to the essential oils, how to meditate. I've been in a lot of therapy. No one ever... I never knew nothing about meditation. I know nothing about how to realistically journal. So how to take myself on a date. That was my first homework assignment.

Sasha:

I love that.

Lonnie Grant:

I go to movies all the time. I go by myself all the time. That's what I thought was a date. It wasn't a date. Because I wasn't present. Most time we go somewhere what are we doing? On our devices. That's not a date. I didn't know that. Like the assignments was tough. And we all know when anytime we're about to start something positive, something about the universe just does... it just throw a monkeywrench... And she had me to be aware, she say I want you to understand that you're doing, you're about to do something different with your body. So something is going to come against it. And I want you to know it's normal. So when you leave... every time we will leave a session, my instructions was to go straight home. I could not stop at all. So she would be very intentional about what does your space look like when you leave here? Do you have somebody you know for your kids? My kids are older. She's like, Did you already fix dinner? Did you like... she would make sure of this. Because again, we know when you leave places, even like church, you gone to church like one morning? Oh, oh, God is good. Then you get at the traffic stop. Or you go get dinner? Now somebody wanna act a fool. Now, oh they done got me out of character.

Shara:

Yes.

Lonnie Grant:

Interrupts...

Sasha:

Yep.

Lonnie Grant:

The pattern. So I noticed, I shifted the norm. And it really started for me to say, this is working.

Sasha:

That's awesome. That's, that's so amazing. Cuz people don't think about, like what you're saying the fact that when you leave a session like that, or after you've had like these things where you're bringing stuff up, you're talking about stuff. Your, your headspace is in such a different space that if you don't, if you're not coming home to a calming atmosphere...

Shara:

It's almost like you know what I just, you know, I'm doing my yoga teacher training, we just talked yesterday. We literally just talked about this yesterday in terms of, there's times when as you're going through a transformation and learning different things, you're opening yourself up. You are open, because you're learning about yourself, you have now opened yourself mentally, spiritually...

Sasha:

to whatever the universe wants to give

Shara:

universally. And you have to set a boundary again, you have to re close those boundaries and really be intentional about what you do. Because otherwise Oh, things are coming your way. Cuz like you're open.

Sasha:

Yeah, whatever is gonna be there...

Shara:

whatever you got. So you need like, like the fact that you had a life coach who was very intentional in the way they did everything. I mean, that is amazing. That's amazing that you found something that worked with you that was working to help you and I like that They said, it's a commitment. Because a lot of people think of, you know, when you're doing therapy, or you're doing this, it's like, oh, you know,

Sasha:

I'll do my five session and then I'm done

Shara:

or they do life coach. And it's like, oh, that's just someone who calls me it's like, no, it's a commitment because you're doing work. It's tiring.

Lonnie Grant:

The work it was draining. I tell anybody healing is not fun. If you're looking for fun, if you're looking to be excited. That's not it.

Sasha:

Yeah,

Lonnie Grant:

it's again, you're pulling up things. I mean, even you know I remember one session where she decided, she moved from this area moved on it on the west coast and was like, Hey, I'm gonna call you on the phone. Because I had had a lot of abandonment, the moment I picked up the phone, I had an attitude. I was salty, but she felt it. But she's like, you're not present. I am present. I am. I'm on the phone.

Shara:

Mm hmm.

Lonnie Grant:

And I didn't... if she can feel, and she's like, what's going on? But I had to go back to the inner child, because the inner child in me was coming up to say, Lonnie, she's doing something different. She abandoned you. So I had to easily make the connection and say, and go back and say, little Lonnie, she's not doing that. She has to challenge you to come out of that abandonment space. But it took a minute, because that's what I would do. I would get friendships, relationships. So anytime it looked like I wasn't included, or somebody left me out, I will put up the wall and say, Well, I don't need them anyway. I can do this. And I can do that. And it's like I will blame them. Oh they the one that did it. But it was me. It was the inner child that I was allowing to take over my adult me. So I had to check her.

Sasha:

You speak so much truth. It is just so much truth. I can, I can see that. Like how if somebody... if you're used to people always leaving in your life. And the minute... even when you're going through a good thing...

Shara:

I'll leave you before you leave me.

Sasha:

Yeah, you go, you're going through this good thing, like, you know, you clearly knew this woman is trying to help you.

Shara:

And like her move was Oh, all right.

Sasha:

All right, you just leaving me now like this what we doing?

Shara:

We don't even allow ourselves to hurt and like that's, that's it. Like when we talk about raising kids and like we talk about it all the time. When we say we want... we have two well, both of us have sons and we're like trying to teach them to feel and be okay with their feelings. And that's one of the things that we have to be able to say, sweetie, it's okay to be sad. It's okay if you have to cry. We don't allow ourselves to hurt. We don't allow ourselves to say Damn. I mean, I really wish you was still here. Like, like where I could see you. But you're not. But we don't know how to say that. It's easy to just be like, man, f you, whatever.

Lonnie Grant:

And, and you know what, that what... And I can get like, oh, whatever, you know, she said, talking about some be present. And I'm like I ain't got time to be present. What you talking about? Present what? And she's like, I feel the disconnect. I feel what's happening, the shift. And that's why I tell anybody like that process was not pretty. And that's why the whole thing, the beauty after the broken, you will get to your beauty. But in the process, in the process happens every day. So even though I finished my sessions, and you know, I had to really celebrate myself, because I didn't know how to celebrate myself. I think we think we do. Oh I do that. I buy clothes all the time. But we really don't know how to celebrate. So I learned all of that. And now every day, I do something different to celebrate just little stuff like Lonnie, even though you got triggered you went back to your toolbox. Look in your toolbox and say, Okay, how do I turn this? Like I'm more aware of when I'm triggered. And I didn't know, I would just spaz out and I'm like, even in my business. I'm like, I can't do that any longer. Or I have to give that duty to someone else. Because that triggers me.

Sasha:

Yeah, that makes so much sense though. Do you do you think that having gone through that experience, changed the way that you deal with your kids or interact with your kids?

Shara:

That's exactly what I was about to ask. I was about to ask how did that change? Or how did that affect?

Sasha:

You have older kids and so and we both like we both said we just have we have these little kids and we want to teach them that you know, to feel things it's okay to be present in your emotions is okay.

Shara:

But also not to like spaz out. Spazing out ain't always the answer. It might sometimes be the answer and we ain't saying that's never the answer. But, it don't need to be the

Lonnie Grant:

But I think for me because I grew up in a more first answer. Yes. environment where there's a lot of hostile, just, it was

Shara:

Do as I say. I got you in activities, because you're you hostile. You know, it taught me how to be angry. It taught me how to cuss people out. So I think for me, with my kids I'm l ke I will never cuss at them, you know, sometimes you only concentrate on one. So her 's the deal. With my mom, she wa a drug addict. She left. So I old myself never do drugs. I' not going to do that. But wh t about the other stuff? I orgot about that part. I forgot about manipulation. I forgot about mental I forgot about tho e, because we get so concentr ted on one area. So no, I didn' do drugs. No, I didn't cus out my, my kids. But the conver ations I've had with my kids as like, mom you know, you jus , you know, didn't let us do st ff or mentally you, you made me... like I'm big on activ ties. And sometimes we all re. But then we don't know wh n we're pushing too much. I didn't know this, so I had to l arn to now hear them out. Now I' having more conversations, checking in with them. I wasn't oing that. I wasn't, because I was raised in that Oh, you don't ask me got them activities to keep them busy, to keep them safe. But you're like I said, so. That's the reason why

Sasha:

Yeah, that's...why do I have to do, because mommy said so.

Shara:

Because I said so.

Sasha:

And that's the only reason

Shara:

that I don't need and the reason beyond I said so because I said do it. And and it's like what you've talked about is exactly what we're trying to get to like as they get older. It's like, Alright, maybe I don't need to, I do need to hear you out. What is it that you feel? Do you like this? Do you want this?

Sasha:

Do you think that your kids have changed the way that they interact with you, since you've gone through your healing process?

Lonnie Grant:

I see a difference a lot where the communication has opened up. There's still some areas that I want to see improvement, and teaching them about self care, like teaching them more things. Again, I wish I had, I wish I would have know about that I needed healing a l ng time ago. How to journal, ho to take ofself, how to... the ower of no, I didn't know tha . So again, so I see this shi t of them not feeling like I g t to be validated. So it has be n and it's still a work in pro ress. Because we're talking abou years of trauma. Years of me p renting out of trauma. So now having to give them this ew m

Sasha:

That's awesome, though. Like, I feel like that's such a way to like love your kids, though. To know that because of how you were parented and you don't want to be that for your kids and to say, to like really look at yourself and say I need to fix me so that way my kids can have the best version of a mom. Like that is just, like such a powerful, in my opinion, it's such a powerful way to like love your kids. Because we're... none of us are perfect. We have no idea what the hell we're doing when it comes to parenthood.

Shara:

I mean, there's no booklet there's nothing. I mean, like you, you went from a survive versus thrive, basically, that's what you went through, you're like, Alright, instead of survival, in this in survival mode, because you got to do it. It's like no, actually, I want us to be happy while we do it.

Lonnie Grant:

Yeah. And you have to include them in the process to of your healing. I think sometimes it's sort of like relationships too. But let me get myself together. But what does that look like for the spouse or the people around you? How do they care for you? Because they don't know the tools. They don't know what's happening. So if kids feel included in the process of with that healing looks like for you, or what you just didn't have. Some people, you know, sometimes and then you could be honest with your kids. I, I can't give that because I don't have the capacity. Just.. you don't. Sometimes people I think, we want to pretend is we have it and some of us honestly, even if you grew up in a two parent household, whatever the case may be, our children come different to us. They're different, they're different, and sometimes the needs that they have, you have to be okay to say I don't have the capacity right now. However, I'm working on this to be able to open the door to get the capacity because we.. like you says no books to this no nothing. But if you stand offish, and oh well and this and that. Now that creates the friction. Now that creates another generational curse. You passed on is not being addressed without just saying, Hey, I just didn't have the capacity to love. You know, I didn't grow up hugging. Every five minutes my kids, they be like, if you say I love you one more time. I didn't have it. I had to get the capacity to even say the words. Because, again, I didn't have the foundation of what love look like.

Sasha:

I just think you are just dropping all these gems

Shara:

knowledge like

Sasha:

Parenthood, this idea of parenthood sometimes is that we

Shara:

Like we don't have... we supposed to be okay with every don't do those things with our kids, we're not supposed to be vulnerable with our children, we're not supposed to if mo my or daddy are struggling, like we don't know how to do hat. I don't know how to han le you right now, when you a t like this. I don't know ho to b feeling that they have, while still knowing that we don't have feelings. knowing that... I have... if this, if this little human because that's what they are. If this tiny human was not my child, I would have a feeling. Like my child today, like threw a tantrum. And I was like, I don't really much like you. But I can't tell him I don't like him. But I still gotta love him through this. So we have to recognize those feelings.

Lonnie Grant:

you really do and not hide them. And one of the things I wanted to say when you when when you say it, and it made me think of, especially for our females, our daughters. For me, when you think about the break down with your circle your girlfriends. You see people showing up the way they show up and you like why didn't they show up. I always tell people do an inventory of the relationship they have with their mom. For me, if the first woman that was supposed to show me a healthy relationship with a woman, abandoned me, went to the street. She went to drugs. How do I show up in spaces with other healthy women if I don't know what that looks like. So even though you might have had a caretaker to take you in, remember, the same thing as a male, the first male that was supposed to show you... that it was a disconnect. Once the umbilical cord is cut, it's cut. But you're, you, you're waiting for the nurture. You know, the moment you the umbilical cord is cut, you want to hold. That's when that connection is still there. But if the connection is gone, and it aborts. Now, that is a little baby start going into her teen and adult life with women. How do you show up healthy?

Shara:

I don't think you can. Lord you...

Sasha:

I've never thought about that.

Shara:

I've never thought like that,

Sasha:

I'm sitting here like Oh, she hates her mother. That's probably why she's a messed up friend.

Shara:

I'm sitting here. Like, therapeutically I'm sitting here like, Oh, I gotta go research some more of this because this is a...like, no, you're dropping real gems!

Sasha:

Is this what you do like as a transformational coach?

Lonnie Grant:

So now I just think deeper. Now, I look at people deeper. So when people show up in different capacities, because, of course, I have my dance program. So now I'm looking at moms different. Where at first they was my biggest issue. I will always say oh my god, these parents, you know, I just want to train and kids and they come in with all this stuff. But one of the things I've realized, with my own healing, is they're struggling. They're struggling. You know, for me, I now have healthy boundaries that I set for my program, my business, I'm a person of order. So I'm like, hey, they have to be here at this time. They have to show up in this uniform. So when I get the backlash or the confrontation from them, oh, why she can't just have this. I recognize somewhere you have always gotten your way. Someone didn't show up for you. So sometimes when they're going back and forth with me, I'm saying, is it you going back and forth with me? Or who did it beyond me? It's never the person. So then when I talk to the parents in that way, they look at it differently. They're like, Oh, my goodness. I said remember I teach even though I teach dance, I teach life.

Sasha:

Yes.

Lonnie Grant:

I teach you life. So I can't allow her to show up in my space out of order. Now that may work for your household with you guys are always in a rush and all of that. I can't do that because it triggers me. It sets my anxiety. Everything I do now I consider my mental health first. Even connections, people reach up Hey, girl, can you do this? I'm like, what does that look like for my mental health? Any partnerships. I don't do anything unless it works for my mental health.

Sasha:

Love that. I like so...

Shara:

I'm sitting here like, oh

Sasha:

Because we don't think about that. Like, there's so many times where we think about trying to be a good friend, or being a good partner,

Shara:

or being a good worker, and being a hard worker

Sasha:

And the answer immediately is can you do it? Okay. Like, of course I would. Because if I say no, then what? You know, what are they gonna think about me? What does that say baout me as a friend or partner. So like, where so I think it goes back to what you were talking about really, like truly looking at self care. That is part of it is, you know, by being asked to do something, what does me doing that look like for me mentally? Am I if I do this am I truly taking care of myself by doing this? Because if the answer is no,

Shara:

then you don't need to be doing it.

Sasha:

And a good friend will understand that.

Shara:

Yeah, and a lot of people don't like to think like, that means that you're going to lose some friends. That means that the opportunity that you thought was perfect for you might not be so great. But I mean, like you are dropping full gems.

Sasha:

We could continue to talk about this for a long time. And I don't want our episode to be like hours and hours long. So I'm just gonna ask you, if you had just to kind of wrap it up, if you could give one piece of advice for people who may have been in similar situations growing up in this place of trauma, and who are trying to move past that, who may be having kids now, what do you think is the best piece of advice or like the, the one thing that you wish you knew early on that has helped you that could probably help them?

Lonnie Grant:

It's understanding that, yes, you were a victim, were. Past tense. How do you get from still living as a victim and doing a self evaluation. Examine all your relationships and saying, okay, these two friends are saying this about me. And this is always coming up. I tend to not be in a lot of romantic relationships, I tend to bounce around. If you go and do that self examination, what is the common denominator? Right? So then you can kind of go and move from there and say, Okay. Then my kids are saying the same thing. Mommy you're mean. You're doing this. Are you hearing the same thing? And this is when you can move forward in saying, hey, maybe I have some, some baggage that I didn't release. And what do I need to do? What are the next steps? And what does it look like? So now I'm aware, I've done a whole evaluation. What are the next steps? Owning it. Not feeling like oh, I'm a bad person. No, just own. Own, own. That's what my bag looks like right now. If I do not unpacked this bag, I'm gonna be carrying five more bags. So it only get worse if you don't address it. Get the bag unloaded, start to work on you. And that way, you can show up different. But it all the time it's never me. It's never me.

Sasha:

That's, that means it's you.

Lonnie Grant:

You, you have to take... even for me now, even in certain relationships. I don't say oh, this person did this to me. No. They didn't do it to me. Let's check me first. How did I show up? And, did I allow it because people cannot do what you don't allow.

Shara:

Yes! Sorry!

Sasha:

Yes! I think, so I think that is the perfect gem to end the episode. People cannot do what you do not allow them to do.

Shara:

Amen!

Sasha:

I just want to thank you so much for being you on our episode with us. You can find Ms. Lonnie on her dance stuff... mind you her dance pictures are amazing. Like you, you are gorgeous in these photos, I might say. But she's on Instagram at Dynasty Institute and we just want to thank you so much for coming on. To our listeners out there, of course if you would like to dive deeper in this topic, we always encourage you to have this conversation. I'm sure we are having conversation right now on Instagram about the episode you can find us at Swirl and Sip podcast. If you have questions for Miss Lonnie, or you want to talk to us, if you have opinions about the episode feel free to email us. You can do so at [email protected] Make sure that you please do us a favor if you liked the episode. If you like what we talked about make sure you subscribe rate and review. Those are the two important ones the rating and reviewing. Please do that for our podcast. You can find us on Apple podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, all majo podcast platforms. And make sur that you have your wine gla s ready for next week episod

Lonnie Grant:

So y'all have a good evening.

Shara:

Thanks, by